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In a stunning and unexpected break with his party, Attorney General Bill Barr told Youtube! influencer Up B. Down that the Department of Justice has found “no significant evidence that Elvis is not dead.” “The investigation continues,” Barr said, “but at this point, some of the staff is coming to the conclusion that the King may in fact be gone.”
The revelation caught die-hard Elvis fans like Tennessee Sen. Marsha Blackburn very much by surprise. Her office issued a statement on Twitter: “This report, if true, would be devastating. First they try to tell us he has left the building. And now, this! If the Attorney General can provide conclusive evidence that I did not see Elvis walking down Beale Street last Easter, we may all have to accept that the impossible has indeed possed.”
Lamar Alexander, Sen. Blackburn’s fellow Tennessee senator, had already accepted Elvis’s passing. Sen. Alexander is retiring this year, so he has felt a bit freer than some other Republicans to take reality into account in his public pronouncements. The senator still wears his “Make America Gyrate Again” cap, but he has told friends that he is pretty sure he has snagged his last sweaty concert towel. “This is the end of an era” said the Senator, never one to be left behind.